woke up at 11... then promptly locked myself out of my dorm room when i went to the bathroom and shut the door behind me. my roommate, T, isn't here this weekend, so i had to search for an RA in a tight black tee and a pair of booty shorts. a bit embarrasing.

i haven't eaten today, yet. i only got up less an hour ago but i'm not hungry. and i know that i can't eat today. i'm going to Giant (grocery store) with my friend M and my peer mentor, B, and we might be going to get chinese food after.... and i will not eat it. only water, diet soda and maybe 1 carrot.

though i hate how my stomach looks, when i woke up, i could see that it's a bit flatter. that happens anytime i don't eat. or take laxatives. which i'm doing tonight because tomorrow i have a pot luck dinner with my peer group and that means i'll have to eat something.... so i should have my stomach as flat as possible before then.

intake:
nothing

outtake:
gym at 3

starting over. or have been since tuesday.

i know i've been MIA. that's due to me grappling with my inner voice; i debated going to the college pyschologist because i felt so out of sorts. i would avoid food the entire day and eat a normal dinner but then at night, i'd binge. on anything i could find in my dorm, my roommate's food or from the vending machines. i felt so out of control.

so now i've gotten myself under control and i feel so much better. i don't know why i did, but on tuesday, i just told myself that there were going to be no more excuses. no more cop outs. i want my feeling of control back and i want to love my body... well, at least have some of what i want.

so my plan right now is, the one i've been sticking to since tuesday:
work out for at least an hour, with at least 40 minutes of cardio and 300 sets of ab work. no food before 1:15. special k for lunch, one bowl. salad with protein for dinner with one other thing. i'm allowed one sweet thing- a bit of ice cream, a cookie. then no food unless i feel that i'll binge and then i can have 6 crackers with a wedge of Light Laughing Cow cheese. and if in an hour i am eyeing my roommate's bag of fun size candy, i can have a 100 calorie pack of something.

it's worked very well so far. i have dropped about 3 pounds and toned up my stomach and legs. i feel so much better and have so much more confidence.

i see him in 5 days. and i have a 4 day break in 5 days. i cannot wait to be with him.

intake:
special k cereal
salad with chicken &madarin oranges
roll
3 bites of sweet potato
6 spoonfuls of ice cream...

outtake:
48 minutes cardio= -340
380 sets ofab work= -110

edit//::

i would love to have her stomach. and her boobs. i have none. and since i've started losing weight, i've gone from a full 34A to an almost 32A. when i was at my lowest (110 or something like that), i had no boobs. none. and i like having boobs. they make my stomach look smaller.

hipbones.

edit//;;
despite the fact that i know i'm allowed to eat one sweet thing a day... i feel guilty as shit for having some ice cream. and while i said that i just said my stomach was getting smaller...
when i look at other girls at school, they are so much smaller than me. and while L has told me that he likes me just tthe way i am, the fact that i know he could get someone much more beautiful than i am bothers me to no end. and while he loves me for my brain and how i look, i want more of him to love me for the ability he will have to brag about being mine even more.
i will try harder tomorrow. i will do it tomorrow.

edit//;;
not eating tomorrow.

mind over matter &i won't get fatter.

i feel better today. i feel more in control. and when i feel in control of my eating and my exercise, everything else around me seems to go better.
i was a dumbass last night and sent a very needy, very clingy text to l. last night that i regretted sending about five minutes after doing so. i was worried about the long distance between us and the text i sent centered around that. but i apologized this morning and everything is fine. more than fine. i'm so looking forward to seeing him in...9 days. i am counting.
my stomach is looking better. it doesn't stick out as much and i can touch my fingers around the bottom of my thigh. it's comforting. i think i may go for another run tonight, after work.

edit//:
still feeling better. i can see a bit of a difference in my stomach, like i said. and my thighs. i just feel better. and much more in control than the girls who stuff their faces at the cafe every day. ew.
i am so ready to see my love again....

intake
special k w/ skim- 200
special k w/ skim- 200
special k bar- 90
salad w/ fish- 175
special k bar- 90
quaker minis- 90

outtake
30 min cardio= -300
ab work= -100

question:
what diet pills do you find work the best? i've used several... but am not sure which worked the best because i took 2-4 different kinds at once. any advice?

we had donuts last night... and i ate four of them. i felt horrible. i kept trying to purge but didn't want to risk popping blood vessels and then having my friends see. so i took laxatives and that made me feel better. but i still am going to purge tonight- i will make it happen.
i think the only reason i was anorexic to begin with was that i was afraid to throw up. but really, with my habits and feelings, i'm better off purging. i eat food- i feel guilty. i feel guilty- i do anything to get rid of it. laxatives, exercise and now, if i have to, throwing it back up.
i know that what i'm doing is so wrong. but the way i feel when i don't is so horrible- i ignored it all summer but it's just crept up on me, especially because l--- is further away and i want to look better when he comes to visit on the 18th.
so i'm doing the special k challenge for two weeks, to get my eating back under control. and the one meal that will not be the cereal will be salad with some protein. that's it. then, after two weeks, i will go down to two meals a day. only vegetables.

edit//:
so i was looking at myself in the mirror and realized that while i might be okay with the way i look when turned sideways, when i stand straight in front of someone, i hate my lovehandles. hate the way my thighs appear. and my arms. and even sideways, i hate my thighs.
last year, i used to be able to link my index fingers around my thigh. that's how thin it was. and i don't really want my thighs to look like that again... oh hell, who am i kidding. yes i do. and i'll have it back again.
i'm going to the gym today. forty five minutes of cardio, abs and weight lifting. then maybe a run later tonight. probably.

edit//:2
went to the gym. sweated horribly. but i feel better.
and i have tried to make myself purge, about three times today. almost did so once. it's hard to keep at, in a communal bathroom with open doors. i keep freaking out that someone will hear me.
and i think my roommmate knows something.
thus far, the special k plan is working.

intake
special k cereal w/skim milk- 200
special k bar (2)-180
banana
special k cereal w/skim milk- 200
salad- 0
tuna- 50
spaghetti- 185
roll- 140

outtake
45 min cardio= -450
weights= -100
crunches= -50 -120
15 min run= -100

i am back to my old habits. for i desire my old elegance and this is the way to achieve it.
i am tired of feeling out of control. i am tired of eating a full meal and feeling so guilty afterwards that i bend over a toliet and half-heartedly try to throw up what i just ate. i miss the happiness i felt when i didn't eat a meal and would watch others stuff themselves.
and now i have new habits. laxatives. diet pills. purging. i never used to use any of those and i got to down to 110 pounds in six months. from 150. 40 pounds in 24 weeks. i don't care about the numbers now- the only numbers i care for are those on my jeans. i want visual incentive- ribs. clavicle. elbows. love. and i don't care if i have to puke up my dinner for it.
this will not be like last time, where i started because i wanted acceptance from others. i want acceptance from myself. i want to love myself. and i do- the inside of myself. but the outside should match the inside.
so to kickstart my metabolism before dropping it, i am doing the special k diet tomorrow.
2 meals of special k a day, one normal one.


but let me tell you a little about me, minus my disordered thoughts:
i'm 18. i am in college and love it- but have yet to find anyone similar to me. the only person who i take comfort in as being like me is my boyfriend. who i love. more than love. we are currently two hours apart. attempted to end our relationship of a year and two months but each of us collasped without the other- two days later, he called and we realized that we are supposed to be. so we are. i am a political science major, minoring in peace &conflict studies and women's studies. i am going to change the world- after college, i am traveling to africa to work. watch for my name.